my grown-up self.

growing up i collected ideas and images in my mind of the kind of things i would do and the kind of person i would be as a grownup. i thought about it again recently when i came across a blog with a sign on the sidebar that says: "i'm an adult and i can do whatever i want."
for some reason, reading it stated so boldly reminded me of all the choices i really do have. it's funny that i still have a "someday" mentality about so many things, and how i do still think "someday when i'm a grownup." i've always heard people say you don't feel too different as you grow older, but now i think i'm starting to get it. i mean, i thought i understood, but now i can see i have been a grownup for quite some time and there are many things i envisioned myself doing which i never do. and now i'm thinking it would be fun to try to do some of them. so i give you:

1. wear lipstick
2. throw dinner parties. fancy ones, with three courses and cloth napkins.
3. have garden parties
4. go to art galleries & foreign film screenings
5. wear a dress/skirt on a weekday
6. have nicely manicured fingernails
7. wear jewelry
8. have a clean, well-designed house

well, you get the idea. the fun part of my vision, obviously, is the more artificial stuff. i liked to think i would shop at j. crew and drive a land rover and be part of the scene in some urban setting. i also dreamed about the more important stuff:

1. marry the man i love in the temple
2. be a mother and stay home with my children, if possible
3. find ways to develop my own talents and nurture my family's talents and interests
4. maintain close friendships with my loved ones--family and friends
5. be a proactive person who makes connections and works hard

both lists are still important to me, and i'm happy to say that i feel i'm doing the things i value most from this second list. it's a helpful thought because lately i've been thinking so hard about this dream:

1. be a published writer

i envision it. i envision it real good, but i feel like i'm stuck on the other side of it, trying to figure out how to get close enough to touch it. how can i break through the wall? that is my question. for 59 chocolateless days that has been the question. it seems like spending any amount of time with words is a push in the right direction. so here i am.

back to the fun stuff. i'm looking at that list that little me dreamed about and thinking, i can do that. i am a grownup! i can do all of this if i want to! it's all about priorities, and planning. and finding the right shade of lipstick.

what's on your grownup list? are you living your grownup dream?

it's astonishing.

i'm amazed. astonished. flabbergasted. blown away. overwhelmed. astounded. stupefied. by what? the internet.

there is just. so. much.

so many great things. so many good things. so many things i wish i had thought of. honestly, i'm having a hard time not being a bit cynical these days, because i'm so inspired but simultaneously baffled by my own lack of creativity these days.

oh, i know what this kind of admission arouses in the poor people who have to read it. i'm not feeling sorry for myself (that was yesterday), and i'm moving past obsessively reading blogs to find some clue for where these people come up with stuff. i know it's all a matter of perspective--and documentation. but i also know i'm not the only one who feels like i don't do "anything" (besides keep three kids alive and happy and try to make dinner and sometimes clean my house and make myself presentable and NOT eat chocolate, among other things).

so i need to do something already.

now.

okay, i will, but first i want to do a bit of a brain scrub, to slough off all these dead thoughts i have swirling around in my head. because nothing cures dead brain cells like a list! (and you know you really need to do this if you type out brain cells as one word.)

*my recipe collection is now online here. the idea is to use the site as a place for my sisters-in-law and me to share recipes. everything is gluten-free. it still needs some editing, and more pictures, but mostly i'm really excited about it.

*speaking of food, i think about food all the time. it doesn't help that i currently have six jamie oliver cookbooks checked out from the library.

*i've been mildly obsessed with clothes lately. it wouldn't be too big a deal if i just had a small fortune to spend on clothes, but my clothes budget is only one of those things--small. much of my free time lately has gone to window-shopping, online window-shopping, slight coveting, actual shopping, and returning items i think i could find for cheaper or make in the hypothetical world where i sew. i'm ready for this rollicking process to be over already.

*wool felt. i just want to make stuff with it and maybe drape myself. just kidding, it wouldn't really drape well.

*coconut. and oats. and triple layer cakes i really want to make 37 days from now.

*stripes. i love them. i want to make my kids clothes from them. and wear them almost all the time.

*all things tiny. i will have to explain this more later.

*eating muesli for breakfast. or having a fruit smoothie. i looove strawberry yogurt honey smoothies. i will have them in my heaven.

and now, in picture form, thought not complete:

that may not be a complete list, but i feel better. now to see how my freshly-scrubbed brain works. i hope my will now glow.

style: yes, please.

image from j crew.

i daydream of being effortlessly stylish, loving everything in my closet, and never again dreading that i have nothing to wear.

one can always dream, right?

in my dreams, i roll out of bed to a beautiful closet where all my clothes are hung on wooden hangers and my shoes are lined up neatly and i can put on anything and feel lovely.

there seem to be two ways i can work toward my dream. one: worry less about what i wear (that's fodder for another post). two: focus more on the basics. three: think more carefully about color.

i went through my clothes and did an inventory--i wrote down everything i have. then i made list of the things i feel i'm lacking. i tend to bargain, buying bits and pieces, sometimes missing the essentials to really put a look together. after seeing how much stuff i do have, it was refreshing to see how small my missing item list was. included on that list:

jeans or dark pants, preferably with a slimmer leg

a new summer skirt

some kind of blouse

a light gray cardigan

a couple more everyday shirts

something striped

this spring i'm excited to try something new, something feminine and daring--like berry lip stain or orange lipstick or a skirt--on a weekday. who knows, maybe doing something adventurous superficially will somehow transcend to the rest of my actions.

what's in the wardrobe of your daydreams? do you see yourself trying something bolder this year?